Pensieve
by crazygee
Summary: In the midst of war, of Voldemort's rise into power, what really changed Lily Evans' mind regarding the man she publicly claimed to have hated and the best friend she has known since childhood?
1. Prelude

**DISCLAIMER**:

All the credit belongs to Ms. Rowling. The plot and the characters are hers, and I am just an obsessive reader who aspired to fill in the gaps of what happened between the 5th and 7th year of James and Lily's stay in Hogwarts.

Through this story, I aim to share with you guys how Lily had a change of heart, er, mind, (whatever you choose), regarding the man she claimed to vehemently detest as what we all read in OotP. Yes, I do believe that this story arc has been used by so many J/L authors, but I do hope that you'd give it a chance.

No, this won't be the clichéd J/L story where James is a womanizer and Lily's a nerd or James is a pompous brat who asks Lily out every chance he gets. This story would revolve around Lily branching off towards Mary Macdonald, James Potter, Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore.

Of realizations, thoughtful reflections, denial and epiphanies, I present to you my story: PENSIEVE.

**PRELUDE**

Miss Lily Evans prided herself for being able to reign in her temper in the most dire of situations. She certainly wasn't someone who badly needs a lesson or two in anger management for her parents has raised her well to become a lady who is in command of such good manners, pose, wit and charm. Her demeanor, for lack of a better word is superbly developed earning the praises of even those who barely has enough knowledge of her.

However, one of the most common first impressions people have on our young heroine is her tendency to have a short temper simply alluded to the color of her hair. One look at her and all the warning signs go off reminding you to be extremely cautious of any comment you give for it _might_ set off the red headed temper. She has often found this first impression as a complete misconception because she believes that in no way does the color of a person's mane of hair influence one's temper. "They're just locks, hair, mane, whatever you call it," she often exclaims! "Truly a person's emotional stability is not gauged by the shade or color of one's hair! Should all dark haired individuals possess a darker personality then?" she claims on her defense.

Her friends would then argue that if it were not so, "how come older people who have pure white hair are prone to be calmer and peaceful?" to which Lily believes is nothing short of a claim that stretches the truth to fit one's theory. One would think that her friends are all waiting for her to snap at any given time, subtly suggesting that she still has her pretenses by not letting the fiery temptress out and about. This thought aggravates her to no end. In exasperation, our fine young protagonist would just quickly dismiss said topic and _try_ her very best to prove to the people around her that she is a calm, peace-loving individual who was raised well by her parents, not being easily affected by anything around her.

True enough, Lily was right for they are truly just hair! So far, she has never had bouts of fiery outbursts of wrath, irritation or anger in her stay at Hogwarts. No man, woman or creature in the wizarding school has ever been the receiving end of her expected flare-ups. As proof, strengthening her belief that she has nothing to hide, she was appointed a Prefect because of her respectable personality and endearing qualities.

Thus, in the almost six years that Lily has stayed at Hogwarts, she has proven her friends wrong. She knew herself well. The red headed temper theory most certainly did not apply to her. Or so she would like to believe.

Her real story begins at the end of her fifth year. It seems like our young Lily Evans did in fact had her _inner fire_ after all. Truly, they're not just hair.

_'Leave him ALONE!'_

_Two boys looked around wondering where the sound came from. It was quite obvious from the tone of that person's voice that the amusement both were seeking to stir up from their audience was lost in this one tensed spectator._

_Upon seeing who the perpetrator was, one of the boys with unruly black hair and glasses perched on the tip of his long straight nose, straightened from his casual stance and consciously rumpled his already wild and obnoxious hair._

_The intruder to these boys' attention grabbing repertoire was one of the girls who were previously lounging at the lake edge. She had thick, dark red hair that fell to her shoulders, and startlingly green almond-shaped eyes. _

_'All right, Evans?' said this bespectacled boy named James whose tone of voice became suddenly pleasant, deeper and more mature in contrast to his taunting demeanor minutes before._

_'Leave him alone,' Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. From a lady who was known to possess the warmest of smiles, the look on this woman's face was surely one huge contradiction._

_'What's he done to you?' Lily hissed through gritted teeth, all forms of modesty thrown aside._

_'Well,' said James eager for a rebuttal, appearing to deliberate the point, 'it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…' _

_Many of the surrounding students laughed except Lily who with clenched fists struggled to reign in her supposed to be non-existent temper._

_With eyes blazing and nostrils flaring she spat, ''You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him __alone__.'_

_The boy to whom this tirade was addressed to quickly thought of a response to hide the sheer embarrassment and pain her accusations which are partly true, gave. _

_'I will if you go out with me, Evans,' said James quickly. 'Go on… go out with me and I'll_

_never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.' _

_He turned up the corners of his mouth and gave his trademark cocky grin with much effort than usual. This boy would never let this girl know that her words stung._

_'I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,' said Lily._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm so... Why did I… Oh God."

If it was possible for one person to tear his/her hair out by pulling them due to extreme frustration with one's self, Lily Evans would have made herself bald with the absence of shears or magic. Her eyes were blotchy red while she was surrounded with an abundance of used up tissues she haphazardly threw within her vicinity.

It wasn't a pretty sight, to be honest; the lavatory plus Lily in it (unless you possess a unique fetish for bathrooms). Lily certainly wasn't the type of person who easily breaks down in tears due to frustration. In normal days, a frustrated Lily is only distinguishable by the appearance of worry lines in her forehead, the presence of a crease in her brows, slight restlessness, crumpled robes and nothing more. Yet at this particular time, frustration, mortification, irritation and sheer embarrassment all rolled into one caused the strong and lively woman to cry. Alone in that corner of the bathroom, she continued to berate herself for actions which she would only consider to be caused by three things: alcohol, imperius curse or… something else.

This _something else_ was the very thing that has been plaguing her mind for the past months or dare we say, even years, the very moment the young lady stepped on the train on the first day of her fourth year. Such _something else_ has remained deliberately or unconsciously unnamed upon Lily's stubbornness for an admission. It lingered on the back of her mind but never addressed, believing that as long as it was unknown and unrecognized, it wasn't true; it remains false. She clings to this stubbornly only forcing her into one downward spiral of a massive denial.


	2. Chapter 1 Lily

Chapter 1 - Lily

Lily is a woman who is fully aware of her abilities, skills, charms, personality and assets to the extent that she is relatively confident yet not arrogant. She knows her limits and claims to know herself. Yet, at this very moment she has gone great lengths to begin doubting if she really did know her _true_ self.

She remembers plainly what triggered this self-doubting in the first place. It all rooted from this startling discovery she had in the early months of fifth year which caused her to question and reconsider her perspective in life and certain persons in whom she had made a black (no pun intended) and white judgment of.

As opposed to what many believe or suggest Lily is not prone to harboring bitterness, resentment or any ill feeling against another. However, once her opinion of another is set, that judgment can might as well be carved in stone for much effort would be needed for that good or ill opinion to be changed.

During the early months of her fifth year, the whole of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was stumped by a sudden change in the infamous band of intelligent and popular misfits composed of four boys. This loud and attention grabbing group was inseparable for lack of a better term for their whole stay at Hogwarts, and yet one breakfast morning, one cannot help but notice how the group _appeared_ to be disbanded.

No one knew the reason behind such change and Lily wasn't one to pry. She claims to have it in good authority to not care, for her opinion of this group of boys is not entirely satisfactorily. Not _entirely_ satisfactorily because such a girl like Lily would never admit that she does find their pranks and jokes to be funny. She has nothing against their playful demeanor, setting up pranks here and there to liven up the ominous atmosphere brought about by the gloom they all know exist outside the walls of their school. All she ever frowned upon was the arrogance and condescending behavior of the group's would be leader, James Potter.

She doesn't detest him nor does she hate him, his very person. She simply dislikes his superior and spoiled like attitude of hexing people thinking that he is better than anyone else. This is her opinion of Potter and she believes it would never change because such character is hard to reform.

One thing that Lily failed to realize was _why_ all her criticisms are focused on James and not on the other boys who are all part of whatever indiscretion he has committed. True enough, there's also Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black assisting him in all the detention worthy practical jokes they make and yet Lily blames every thing on James. Why she does so is something she has yet to discover and later comprehend.

About five months ago, she remembers walking with her friends at the halls of the school after classes, trying to listen nonchalantly at their conversation, pretending to show mild interest because the topic at hand was none other than the appalling change in the popular group which affected their house. For the whole week, any Gryffindor could effortlessly spot the difference. The usual loud and obnoxious laughter present in the common room was now non-existent. Any professor could easily attest to the fact that their classes now seemed to flow smoothly without the usual interruption from both James and Sirius. The breakfast hall was now lacking its weekly décor which consists of any Slytherin's possession. Madame Pomfrey no longer had her almost daily visit from younger students whose hair are either turned to various colors or skin infested with boils or other harmless problems she was quite sure were caused by none other than the usual suspects.

Her friends were throwing one theory after another guessing the real reason for such change. Sure, the boys were still eating and sitting together, yet the tension is plain obvious in every conversation, one could almost slice it up with an axe. Lily's friends suggest that a death in any of the boys' family might have been the cause for their obvious silence. Another argued that maybe it was just a shallow reason, like a fight over a girl to which started a whole round of debate.

The boys were so popular that it was only natural for them to have girls who give them enough attention because of their Quidditch position, playful demeanor, detention record, prefect status, intelligence and charming appearance. Lily considers this silly of course, even if she herself is quite popular (even more so at the present, given what just happened at the lake today with James) no matter how hard she tries to deny it.

Lily's ears were ringing with comments that started to make her blood boil. They were starting to become like a bunch of gossip mongers with nothing better to do than talk about the boys, the boys and the boys.

'I heard Sirius dated…'

'Oh yeah, I saw them talking the other day…'

'No! I overheard James said that they were just…'

'So they're both single then? If that's the case, my bet is Remus.'

'No, Remus isn't like that at all!'

'And James and Sirius aren't?'

'But aren't they too dreamy to be…'

'I wish he would notice…'

'I know! Quidditch has really…'

'His hair, oh his hair!'

'Sirius is better looking…'

'Yes, but isn't James more charming?'

'Isn't he dating…'

'I'm positive he's not'

'Did you notice that James always looks at our group more than usual?'

'Oh yeah! It kind of makes you wonder who he fancies right?'

'I bet it's Mary'

'5 galleons says it's Alice'

'Hah! 10 galleons says it's Lily'

'I wish it's me, he's so nice'

'What do you think of him Lily?'

Hearing her name mentioned, she was sure she had enough.

"Oh for the love of god!!! Don't we have better things to do than talk about this bunch of annoying gits whose affairs are not important at all? James Potter is nothing but an annoyingly pompous toerag who thinks of himself highly than anyone else, considers other people as below him, hexes them because he simply wants to do so! How can you even consider such a guy as him deserving of the title _nice_?"

Lily's outburst surely shocked her friends making them stop their conversation to which they thought Lily was a part of. They've always known her to be a lively woman, but such an outburst as this was pretty not normal. It was surprising yet a bit expected in a way because they were all anticipating the day the redheaded temper would finally make its appearance. Lo and behold, they were all caught unawares, yet not completely surprised.

They were used to her sarcasm and not occasional flare-ups such as this one. Unbeknownst to her, they all had a betting pool where she would finally _crack_ and let the fiery _person_ out. That fine day was the day they all were waiting for. Someone in the group pumped her fist in the air knowing that she just won a quite decent amount of galleons. However excited they all were that Lily cracked; some of them actually realized with dread and tinge of excitement that this year was going to be a strange yet colorful year especially with Lily having been in touch with her _true_ personality. After a crack, comes the eventual flow of something. They were quite weary of welcoming the new addition to their group: Fiery Lily.

She was in the middle of her tirade, spouting derogatory comments here and there against the Quidditch hero James, when a familiar mop of grayish-white hair and purple robe was spotted a few feet from where they were standing, amusement evident on his features.

Lily was facing her friends obviously oblivious of an added audience as she continued to pour out her thoughts regarding the matter. Her locks of red hair appeared even fierier, flowing with the gush of wind that came from the opened window, as the tone of her voice became louder and angrier. Her almond shaped emerald eyes were blazing with what her friends could identify as irritation and misplaced passion while her cheeks and neck were quickly being colored by a paler shade of her hair.

"Honestly, what could Potter have done to make him fit the description of _nice_ in your vocabulary? His arrogance is the number one testament that quickly outweighs all the pros in his character! He _is_ a bully, will always be a bully, and that fact alone backs up all my judgments of his rather displeasing and horrendous personality!"

"Certainly Miss Evans, one would rather think you know a lot of things regarding Mr. Potter to have such a firm assessment of his character."

Lily froze on her spot having recognized the deep and knowing voice from which those words come from. All the color from her face vanished in an instant as pure horror and embarrassment assaulted her senses. She could almost feel her heartbeat stop only to be restarted as another flow of cold wind swirled in the corridor. She started to feel her hands get clammy, not because of the cold, but because she immediately realized that what she heard was in fact, right. She was easy to form quick judgments against James, knowing nothing much about his character. Yes, she might know _some _of the things he does and did, but does she really know him to end up in a conclusion that he will never ever change?

Snapping back to reality, Lily suddenly felt irritation at herself for all these conflicting thoughts and irritation against her friends for not having the guts to at least inform her that they weren't alone. But one look at them made that feeling dissipate into nothingness as she took in their surprised expressions which _almost_ mirrored hers clearly missing the looks of amusement on some of their faces mirroring that of the Headmaster's.

She finally turned to the sound of that deep voice with her head bowed as she bit her lip in mortification. And with all her Gryffindor pride, whatever's left of it because she was sure it was currently shattered into bits and pieces, she mustered enough strength to say, "H-hello P-professor Dumbledore."

"If you may follow me Miss Evans, I would certainly love to have a word with you regarding the matter," she heard the professor say. With her head bowed, she missed the familiar twinkle of his eyes completely thinking that she was doomed for one good scolding.

Lily gave a weak "y-yes sir" to her professor, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves. She followed him as he walked away from her, and with one last glance at her friends, determined to at least give a silent plea that they pray to whatever gods they believe in, to save her from future punishment. Even if she knew at the back of her mind that no punishment is given to a mere outburst of a degrading opinion such as what she has given regarding James, she was still hoping that her spotless record wouldn't be tainted by a detention given by the Headmaster himself.

On her walk with the Headmaster she realized then how much of a hypocrite she really was. For years she has been defending her friend Severus to her friends saying that our actions do not define who we really are for people often make mistakes and people _change_. She often argues that even if Severus chooses to be in the company of would-be Death eaters, it doesn't make him one for she claims to know him, the real him, and trusts that he is different from the rest of the stereotyped Slytherins. _Who exactly are you kidding _she often hears her conscience tell her time and again.

No, she wouldn't give up on Severus. _But you're ever willing to give up on James so easily, _her conscience added. _How exactly are they different?_

Coming back to the present, five months forward, Lily was mightily sure that her meeting with the Headmaster altered or revised her judgments of certain people in more ways than one. She was wrong to have formulated her opinions and judgments against people she barely knew, wrong to have been prejudiced against people she didn't consider as friends, and wrong to become so blinded by a truth because of personal biases and denial.

Sixteen years old still and currently confused, Lily acknowledges that she's gotten herself in a predicament where she's way over her head. Months have passed and she began to look at things differently; began to see people differently. She also began to _feel_ differently: temper and _something else_ combined.

From her bouts of her supposedly non-existent temper, the twinges and little butterflies she feel in her gut causing goosebumps to form in her skin caused by _unknown _reasons, the ever fluctuating body temperature she suffers from with no apparent _known_ reason, the way her eyes are seemingly drawn to be a little more observant than the ordinary to certain students of the same house, er, school, for which she rationalizes as nothing but a result of her being chosen as prefect, amongst other things, she began to question her self.

She knows that what she has discovered all thanks to Professor Dumbledore was the catalyst for this change. But deep down, she already knew that she was already heading towards this direction. What she learned at the Headmaster's office only sped up the process.

This _unknown something else_ is now slowly making its way known to her conscious mind, bit by bit allowing her to finally accept what it is she has been repressing for a long time much like how her temper has finally cracked through her seemingly calm façade. Lily was struggling to deny it to no avail. She has no other choice but to concede defeat.


End file.
